online dating choosing a mate
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Be prepared for dating. Be open about yourself.
Seth and I have been seeing each other for a while, but now we've got a problem.
First dates are scary. Most people hate the idea of having to go on a first date.
Perhaps you have been out of the dating world for a while, or maybe you have been dating again for some time.
We're afraid there's virtually nothing you can do to make Melinda see your point of view.
One of the major sources of conflict in intimate relationships is the fact that two partners are likely to have quite different feelings about some things.
You 're not alone in wanting to be liked and accepted.
"What happened to your hair?" and more.
Early Dating Difficulties and more.
I'm at a party. Samantha's on my left. Didi's on my right.
There is no clear-cut line separating what we have called the "factors" and what we are now referring to as the "processes" of marriage.
A nice boy. That's how my grandmother described him.
Love might be simply defined as any sentiment of attachment that is centered upon any person or thing.
When I was five, her name was Tina.
One minute he's crazy about me, the next I don't exist.
Too many people are under the illusion that the key to marital happiness is wholly and simply that of selecting an appropriate mate. They are wrong.
My brother, Mike, and I don't get along well, but now he's really upset with me.
A girl asked 36 sorority sisters as they came in after dates what they did on the date.
No analysis of marriage would be complete without consideration of the twelve million or more adult Americans who are living without a mate.
Do you expect to marry? Nearly everyone in his late teens and early twenties not only intends to marry.
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Too many people are under the illusion that the key to marital happiness is wholly and simply that of selecting an appropriate mate. They are wrong. While marital happiness does depend partly upon the type of companion one has, it is also contingent upon the quality of one's own personality. Being a good mate is every bit as important as choosing the right mate, perhaps even more so.
A common tendency, when marriage fails, is to rationalize one's position by projecting the blame upon the other. Frequently this takes the form of one's claiming that he was fooled during courtship and that he married the wrong person. This seems to be easier than acknowledging personal failure in marital adjustment. Actually, though, marital success is most likely when the mates are mature and adaptable as well as compatible. To stress any one factor at the expense of others is a mistake.
It is true that mature personalities can often prove adjustable enough to overcome partially the handicap of an ill-matched marriage. But it is equally true that poor mating puts marriage at a disadvantage, that love has its best chance of developing and continuing when the traits of mates are compatible from the beginning.
Pair unity is dependent upon: (1) how well the mates are matched, and (2) how completely they have adjusted to each other. Here we are to be concerned with the first named, with mate selection as a part of the process of successful marriage. There are few other problems that young people ask questions about so frequently or need help on so much.
FREEDOM OF CHOICE
How much choice does one have in determining whom to marry? What are the conditions outside of oneself that exert pressure or help shape the decision? Is marrying primarily a matter of destiny or judgment?
The Soul-Mate Theory. --To answer the last question first, we would say that marrying is more a matter of judgment than it is of destiny. There are those who believe the opposite, of course, thinking that each person has a soul mate who needs only to be found. This is the mystical approach to love and marriage. It fits with the "romantic fallacy" discussed in the preceding chapter.
If there were truth in such a position, one would be caused to wonder why more people don't find their intended mate--why, for example, marriage failure becomes greater in this day of increasing intercommunication (which ought to aid people in finding what they are looking for, and reduce divorce if finding were all there is to it).
But we are talking about choosing a mate, which implies intelligence and personal will. For many people this is the most important of life's decisions. Since it is weighted with consequences and related to one's over-all level of happiness, there are some who would dodge it.
One way of attempting this is to surrender to romance and wishful thinking. Many are those who would leave the choice of their married partner to Divine Providence if they could, though in trying they too often simply leave it to chance.
From our point of view the only sense in which people are ever meant for each other is that some matching combinations are more workable than others, and all love involvements cause participants to become progressively interdependent. Good matching plus continued involvement makes for pair unity. There is no question but that each person can be happier with certain individuals than he can with others, but for natural rather than mystical reasons. If people are ever meant for each other, it is because of their own choosing and adjusting.
Successful matching, therefore, is not a process of romantic searching, as some would have it, but of intelligent choosing; it isn't a matter of destiny, but of decision.
Pressures from the Outside. --One's right to choose is never without qualification. Always there are forces and restrictions pushing in from the outside, swaying one's behavior. These pressures may emanate from other persons, from sociocultural definitions, or from attempts at legal control.
In many cultures, mates are selected by family heads, with the marrying individuals having little or nothing to say about it. Arrangements are frequently made while those to be married are still children, or, in some societies, even before they are born.
Practical rather than romantic considerations are paramount, such as: "Will he be a good provider?"; "Will she be a good cook and housekeeper?"; "Will such a match be economically advantageous to the family?"; "Does the prospective mate come from a family with a good reputation, giving status value?" Sometimes a go-between or official matchmaker is employed to assist parents in the job of properly marrying off their children. This is the familistic way of doing things.
But contemporary American culture is highly individualistic. What then? It is in line with democratic principles, and the findings of research, to say that the influence of parents over the mate-choices of their children should be considerable, but that it ought never to be arbitrary or absolute.
Source: Marriage Analysis: Foundations for Successful Family Life
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