The Wisdom of Jessica Simpson

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That Smarts: A Second Volume of Musings from the Mind of a Newlywed We wanted to leave Jessica and Nick alone to enjoy their love, life and TV fame--but now that we've served up the first compendium of Jessica's jewels, we see the girl's gonna keep on talking. So, in the interest of science, we bring you a second helping of her penetrating observations. "I'm not a good try-er clothes-er on-er." The Situation: Looking for an outfit to wear to a TV appearance, Jessica and her mother pick through dozens of getups looking for the perfect ensemble. The Profound Lesson: This is big. In this Oprah-worthy bit of personal revelation, Jessica admits she suffers from a rare disorder that prevents her from dressing herself properly. This also explains why the cameramen often linger over Jessica's body parts when they seem to be surging out of her outfits. They're just worried about her. It's touching, really. "I don't eat buffalo." The Situation: While examining a plate of buffalo wings, Jessica admits she doesn't eat the other red meat--woolly bison. Or its wings. The Profound Lesson: What's in a name? Plenty. This also explains why Jessica got so freaked out when we offered her a plate of Kenny Rogers Roasters. "No, 23 is old. It's almost 25, which is, like, almost mid twenties." The Situation: Discussing her upcoming birthday, Jessica explains "counting" to a friend, including a brief foray into the theories of real, rational and imaginary numbers. The Profound Lesson: People thought Isaac Newton was crazy, too. But here Jessica is using fractions and other advanced mathematical concepts to explain how an infinite set of numbers can exist between any two whole numbers. At least we think that's what she's doing. "We're going to, like, have to rewall our house." The Situation: Upon returning home, Jessica finds that not only has he decorated the house, Nick has nicked the walls. The Profound Lesson: All those trips to Home Depot have finally paid off. Home-improvement maven Jess is ready to demolish the damaged walls and put up fresh ones. "Baaaby." The Situation: She says this so often it's really hard to choose just one example. The Profound Lesson: This is Jessica at her most fiendishly brilliant. While most languages are based on the idea of different words for different meanings, Jessica has developed a one-word linguistic system that covers nearly every need. When she's hungry, she says "Baaaby." When she's mad, "Baaaby." When she's sick of being made fun of, "Baaaby!" by Erik Pedersen  |  Oct. 17, 2003 Next Page: The Beautiful Mind-Field of a Video-Channel Visionary